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The Sniffles of Susan

by J. Orlin Grabbe


"I can't believe I live in this country," Susan McDougal told Larry King. Thus did Susan express her dismay that the rest of America does not operate like Arkansas. After all, in the golden years of Arkansas Kleptocracy, you just sucked up to the Clinton Clique, and you were taken care of.

Why has she not answered the grand jury's questions? (And it was the grand jury's questions, not those of Kenneth Starr, that she refused to answer.) The Wall Street Journal suggested the reason for her loquacious silence was, "It's the pardon, stupid" (September 6, 1996). Perhaps. But Clinton may not be as forthcoming with those pardons as many believe. It is more likely she was just following her lawyer's advice. And her lawyer is looking out for the welfare of Bill Clinton, not Susan McDougal. Maybe her lawyer even led her to believe a pardon was in the offing.

You are so gullible, Susan. Your lawyer is expecting to be richly rewarded under a second Clinton administration, while you spend your time behind bars. Your lawyer himself should be disbarred. (Susan Redux: "I can't believe that asshole went to law school!")

Of course, there is the Alan Dershowitz factor. Dershowitz sees Susan McDougal as a big piece of PR meat, with which he can get some media exposure, like with the O.J. Simpson trial.

Alan, you are a dumbshit without a clue. Stick your fingers into too many places, and you are liable to get them cut off.

After all, there has to be some explanation why Susan refuses to answer the grand jury's question whether Clinton knew about a certain $300,000 loan. A simple "yes" or "no" would suffice. Her refusal can't be loyalty to an old flame, even though Susan has told more than one person that Bill gave as good head as he got. No, one simply doesn't go to jail over oral sex these days.

And it presumably has nothing to do with that photograph of Bill and Susan doing it on top of James McDougal's sports car. That photo is probably of more interest to Susan's ex-husband James, since no one likes to be cuckolded.

So it likely has more to do with bad legal advice and the fact that Susan McDougal got paid for her interviews on ABC and Larry King Live. After all, her lawyer undoubtedly needs the money.

Well, your lawyer will soon be laughing all the way to the bank, Susan. While you reminisce in jail.

September 7, 1996
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