[Email Reply]

Five Indictments of the Mass Media

by J. Orlin Grabbe


They're all wrong. The New York Times. The Washington Post. The Electronic Telegraph. The New Yorker. The Los Angeles Times. They all have "sources" who assure them that there will be no more indictments before the November election. And they all employ small-minded, smug, self-important little scribblers, who know the truth, and the truth shall make them comfortable.

I don't mean to say these journalists are not responsible. Some of them actually worry whether they should have that fourth martini before sitting down to rewrite the day's PR handout.

But they are educated people of reason. They know the Internet is filled with conspiracy theorists, kooks, yeah verily, child pornographers, militia members, terrorists of all stripes, Ph.D. chemists who tell how to duplicate Saddam's chemical weapons, teenagers who will get into your bank account--barbarians quite unlike the civilized men and woman who write for respectable papers, and get their hair done for TV! Why, they wonder, can't people just connect to CNN interactive, and cast their electronic votes for Clinton or Dole--you know, civilized and fun things like that! Or for some real excitement, let us know whether you think OJ is guilty--of anything! Or why can't people on the Internet just spend their time looking at those colorful National Information Infrastructure-subsidized pages that explain why government is your friend!

Well, I'm neither educated nor responsible. I find respectability boring. And I know how to make bombs. So here it is, smug-faces: IN HONOR OF THE FIVE MEMBERS OF THE SUPPOSEDLY NON-EXISTENT FIFTH COLUMN, THERE WILL BE FIVE MORE STARR INDICTMENTS BEFORE THE NOVEMBER ELECTION. ONE OF THEM WILL BE HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON. MOREOVER, BILL CLINTON WILL RESIGN FROM OFFICE.

And you will be sitting there looking at each other, asking yourselves what brand of gin's in your vodka martini.

And then you will have to grapple with momentous questions like, Do you suppose Hillary Clinton will get elected Baddest Bitch in Cell Block B?

Watch carefully as you stir that drink. Boom.

September 17, 1996
Web Page: http://www.aci.net/kalliste/